These are "the worst"!

I can't say that I'm really a "movie buff". Sure, I enjoy a good flick as much as the next person and have a list of "favourites" but I don't go to the movies or do a rental all that often and there are a lot of "classics" that I've never seen (maybe someday). Conversely, I think I have seen my fair share of stinkeroos! Here are some bombs that stick out in my mind, times I attempted to watch the unwatchable.

For most of their career the Bee Gees tried to distance themselves from The Beatles. Although they loved, and like most pop groups, emulated The Beatles by times, the Bee Gees are probably the world's most successful songwriting group...although The Beatles cast a long shadow. (Forget what you think you know about the Bee Gees, they've penned one hell of a list of top selling hits for themselves and for others.) So it seems due to contractual obligations and poor advice what do they do? Make a musical based entirely on music by The Beatles. Not long after filming began the Bee Gees begged to be released from the project, but alas they were obligated to see it through to the bitter end. And it's a wretch of a movie too. Robin, Barry & Maurice are cast as three quarters of the eponymous band in this 70s "rock opera". Andy Gibb dodged the bullet on this one and Peter Frampton takes the lead. Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, Earth Wind & Fire also star, as well as Steve Martin, George Burns and a whole slew of others. It's a star studded flop. The scenes that stick out in my mind are the drug scene, the fist fight the boys have with Aerosmith, and the part where Frampton's character commits suicide (only to have a big "rewind" thanks to a funky R&B rendition of "Get Back!" by Billy Preston). The story is baffling and goofy, the campy humour falls flat -- watching it now, you suspect that it just "doesn't age well", but no, it was never funny. It reminds me of the infamous "Star Wars Christmas Special": a star-studded flop that no one wants to admit being part of!

My best friend in high school was a fan of Jean Claude Van Damme. (Admittedly, in those days my tastes weren't exactly "refined" either.) I think it was just something about aesthetics of our culture in the late 80s/early 90s. We all had poor judgement. And these beefed-up, macho, body building action star types were all the rage (Remember, this was the height of Schwarzenegger, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren's careers!) So this friend & I rented Van Damme's back catalogue of "films", and would go see his current work in the theatre as they came out. Up front I should say that I'm not a fan of the "action" genre. Honestly, his first few "films" I enjoyed: "Bloodsport" was great and I recall liking "Kickboxer" and may be another one that I can't remember , possibly "Black Eagle"? (because really, you've seen one, you've seen them all). As more movies came out, I enjoyed them less and less. The succession of Van Damme movies is a blur to me now. I do recall there was one where my friend and I actually left the theatre mid-way through, which was the first time (and possibly only time?) I've ever done that. I'm not even sure which movie it was now -- I think it might have been "Nowhere to Run". I just remember that I'd finally reached my breaking point with Van Damme movies. (I'm showing a picture of "Double Impact" here because it was Van Damme as twins.... 'nuff said.)

Hands down, "The Road to Wellville" is THE WORST MOVIE I've ever seen. This is truly a pile. Believe it or not, I saw this in the theatre, and I didn't even walk out. I suffered through to the end. At the time, I was a huge fan of Anthony Hopkins. He was at the peak of his career, coming down off "Silence of the Lambs", "Remains of the Day", and so on. All Oscar worthy performances. Then he decided he wanted to try his hand at "comedy". Not long afterwards I recall seeing Hopkins on Entertainment Tonight say something to the effect that he'd be willing to read the phone book if someone would pay him for it. Thus we have "The Road to Wellville". "The Road to Wellville" is based on the real life Kellog (yup, the guy who invented Corn Flakes) and the health spa/retreat that he ran. It's all about restrictive diets, measuring the length of bowel movements, sexual abstinence, that kind of thing. As I recall (because I'm never re-watching this monstrosity!) Dana Carvey plays Kellog's mentally challenged son; John Cusack is a skeptical reporter and Matthew Broderick plays an unwilling patient at the spa. Poo jokes abound. And the occasional Victorian orgasm joke. This movie makes you feel ashamed to call yourself human. There's really not much more you can say about this.

And least of all (in every possible way!) the horrible, embarrassing and completely unnecessary "The Avengers". A sad excuse of a "remake" of a tv show which I enjoy, although it bears very little resemblance to said tv show. I think someone looked at some stills from the

show, based their ideas about what the show was about on that and somehow made a movie. Not only is this movie a disservice to fans of the tv show, but it's a poorly made movie. Even during my initial viewing of it I could spot numerous editing and continuity errors (someone's holding a gun in this frame, suddenly it's gone, a few frames later it's back again... stuff like that.) I feel like I could've made a better movie myself with my Jazz cam and Windows Movie Maker. Also, Uma Thurman is completely one dimensional in this: basically a wire hanger for the famous "Emma Peeler" catsuit. Ralph Fiennes ain't my idea of John Steed either, and Sean Connery comes off as a complete loon.

So there you have it: a veritable rogue's gallery of box office bombs. Even if I could hand out a "Razzie" award I'm not sure I'd want to dignify these mess-terpieces. I'm sure once I get dwelling about this, other hated films will come to mind, but these ones stand out as some of my memorable "worsts". What are yours?