"Picnic": A Socio-Sexual Examination. Final Part (Honest!)

"Picnic". Columbia Pictures 1955. Directed by Joshua Logan, based on a play by William Inge. Starring William Holden, Kim Novak and Rosalind Russell.

All photos & video clips used solely for the purposes of review and are copyright of their owners.

Here's the 4th and final installment of my hyperbole peppered, yet not completely off the mark classic movie review of "Picnic".

Recap: Things go to Hell in a picnic basket as Hal and Madge work their sexy magic on the dance floor, underage Millie gets liquored up and Rosemary Sydney gets violently sexual... and it's all Hal's fault!

And now the stunning conclusion. (Spoilers abound.)

Objectified and humiliated, Hal runs off and Madge follows. He steals Alan's car (and why not? After all, he's stealing his girlfriend too!) He drives back to the spot where he first hopped off the train all the while cursing his luck, the town, the whole damn thing. (By the way, I should point out that all the action of this film takes place within one day. So sexy Hal managed to screw-up several lives within a few short hours!) Madge starts pumping Hal...for information, that is... encouraging him to spill his guts. He confides in Madge that taking Alan's car isn't exactly his first "grand theft auto"... he spent his youth in Reform School for stealing a motorcycle. And although he'd hoped to "settle down" in this town he's burned too many bridges now and anyway he basically has a track record of bungling things his whole life. Turns out it ain't easy being sexy. Madge can attest to that. They have a little heart to heart that ends in a feverish lip-lock. Out comes the freight train (oh, such subtle imagery there!) They spend the night together.

Meanwhile, back at the rooming house... Howard takes Rosemary home. Both are a little "gun shy" after Rosemary's raunchy behaviour at the picnic. (You know... That "minor indiscretion" where Rosemary sexually harassed Hal, tore his shirt off, then threw a major hissy fit in front of the entire town.) Rosemary begins grovelling to Howard, pleading with him to marry her. Howard's not too keen; after all, he's grown accustomed to his bachelor life (and frankly, now that Rosemary's shown herself to be a fickle and violent hussy can you blame him?) Rosemary's not too proud to beg and literally gets down on her knees imploring him to rescue her from her spinster life. It's just one awkward situation to another with her, isn't it? Ultimately the choice is Howard's but his instructions are to return to the rooming house in the morning and they'll elope.

In the wee hours of the morning Hal and Madge skulk back to the rooming house. He tries to gauge her satisfaction level but she's a bit aloof (a far cry from how she jumped his bones a few short hours ago). Hal gets a bit pushy, trying to arrange a second "date" but Madge is playing coy. She admits that she wants to "punish" him. Geez, one night together and already Madge starts with the head games! Then Hal remembers the little matter of the stolen car. Oops.

Hal arrives at Alan's house to find the police there. Alan reported the car as stolen, since "stealing" a girlfriend isn't really a crime. Flaccid Alan throws a feeble punch at Hal but again it's clear that he's just no match for Hal physically. Hal tries to take the high road, brushing off Alan's attempts to fight. Jilted, enraged, and clearly the biggest loser in all of this, Alan orders the cops to arrest Hal (even though the car is now returned). The idea of going back to jail gives Hal a flashback of his misspent youth in "juvie". He tries to leave peacefully but Alan attacks him again. Hal assaults the two police officers in the scuffle then flees, giving them a real reason to arrest him. Good thing Hal is used to running away. Delusional Alan vows to his father that he still plans to marry Madge. Yeah...good luck with that, Al.

Now a "wanted man" (in more ways than one!), Hal turns up on the doorstep of Howard Bevans' house seeking refuge... and a place to crash for the rest of the night...and maybe a shave and change of clothes would be nice... oh and a ride over to the rooming house in the morning if it's not too much trouble. Well, he is a bum, after all! Howard is reluctant to make an appearance at the rooming house again. Gee, I wonder why?

Morning comes. It's the first day of school and Rosemary Sydney's running around as nervous as a cat awaiting her groom. Sure enough, Howard's car pulls up secretly transporting fugitive Hal. Howard has decided to refuse Rosemary's proposal... not that it really matters what he wants. Before Howard has the chance to reject her, Rosemary effectively tells the other schoolmarms to "suck it" and announces that's she's getting married. The spinsters carry her off in celebration. Poor Howard is hooked and doesn't have the cohones to argue anyway.

In the midst of the commotion Hal sneaks out to meet Madge. Hal is just too sexy for this jerkwater town, and he's burned too many bridges anyway so he plans to hop a train to Tulsa. So if Madge wants to run away and meet him in Tulsa maybe they could hook-up and live in a hotel. Now who could resist an offer like that? (P.S. He's still homeless.) Hal jumps the freight train, standing atop of it waving goodbye... once again parading his huge phallic imagery in the faces of the lonely women of the rooming house.

Well, so much for that.

Back in their room, Madge mopes. Millie swears off men forever, announcing her intention to move to New York City and write scandalous novels. She has no intention of being tied to a man or raising any snot-faced kids. You go, girl! But although she's adopted an Objectivist philosophy for herself, Millie reminds Madge that for some people, being tied to a good-for-nothing lout of a husband and raising a brood of brats is really all they're cut out for so why don't you follow Hal? Madge's mood brightens (apparently she wasn't smart enough to realize that herself.)

Madge packs her bags. Mrs. Owens warns her not to go; even if Hal did ever get a job & marry her, he will only drift away with alcohol and womanizing. I think I feel confident in saying that Mrs. Owens is right; Hal has nothing to offer her but sweaty, chiseled abs and a dubious sense of rhythm. But Madge doesn't care -- as the song goes, she's here for a good time, not a long time. And let's not waste pity on Madge. She coasts through life on her good looks too. I'm sure she'll get by. In Hal, Madge has met her equal.

Millie boards the school bus; Madge boards the greyhound to Tulsa. "The nymphs have departed", each travelling the path to the destiny she's chosen.

So what's the moral of the story? Let's see... We learned that attractive people always get what they want. That men can be just as sexualized and objectified by Hollywood as women are. We also saw that middle America is a melting pot of repression and suffocatingly artificial morality. Or is the moral that although we don't always make the best or brightest decisions that it's a basic human need to be free to pursue them? Nah, that couldn't be.

Thanks for indulging me in the over-long examination. In closing let me say that "Picnic" was neither my favourite William Holden movie nor even the most "fucked up"... that dubious honor goes to "Paris When It Sizzles". Count your blessings I didn't write a long review of that! (But that would involve the painful process of watching it again. *shudder*)

"Picnic": A (slightly tongue-in-cheek) Socio-Sexual Examination (Part 1)

"Picnic". Columbia Pictures, 1955. Directed by Joshua Logan. Based on the Pulitzer Prize winning play by William Inge. Starring William Holden, Kim Novak, Susan Strasberg, Rosalind Russell & Cliff Robertson.

(All photos & video clips used solely for purposes of review.)


Introduction. As my fixation with William Holden continues I am slowly going through his filmography. From all accounts, "Picnic" is cited as Holden's most sexually charged performance (just look at this movie poster for crying out loud!) so naturally I've been biding my time for the right moment to savour this one. Here's my interpretation of a seemingly innocuous little film that's one part "Rebel Without A Cause" and one part "American Beauty" with a healthy dash of "WTF" thrown in too. (Be warned I am going to hyperbolize a bit as is my poetic licence to do!)




Synopsis
"Picnic" opens with a freight train (yes ok, an obvious phallic symbol) pulling into a sleepy little Kansas town. From the train leaps a stow-away: a dingy hobo named Hal Carter. Hobo Hal wastes no time peeling off his clothes to bathe in the nearby river before venturing into town. (Footnote: William Holden in varying degrees of undress, usually bathing, happens at least once in almost every movie I've seen him in -- it's practically his trademark!) With his fabulous physique now a little more presentable, Hal wanders into a residential neighbourhood, knocks on the door of an elderly lady offering his "services" for hire. Noticing Hal's obvious, um... assets... Mrs. Potts puts Hal to work in her backyard... under the condition that he removes his shirt (ostensibly because she wants to wash it, and... ya know, he's a man so going topless is fine and... YOU GO GIRL, MRS. POTTS!!!) Of course, as Hal stands working behind the trash barrel his lower body is hidden, creating the illusion that he is nude. It's probably no coincidence that Mrs. Potts puts Hal in plain view for the rooming house next door for all there to enjoy the view. You sly ol' dawg, Mrs. Potts!

Cut to the rooming house owned by Mrs. Owens, a single mom whose life has passed her by. Languishing at the bottom of the social strata, she ekes out a living renting out rooms to spinster ladies, such as self professed "old maid school teacher"and part-time cougar Rosemary Sidney. Mrs. Owens vicariously places all her hopes in her two teenage daughters, Millie and Madge. Millie, the younger daughter is a brainy tomboy who resents living under the shadow of her more attractive, but otherwise bland older sister, Madge. Madge is the local all-American beauty queen with a surprisingly bad case of ennui. She's pretty and popular and is dating the richest boy in town but she's bored and unhappy -- and worse, she isn't bright enough to know why. What she does know is that no one is really interested in her beyond her good looks and that her boyfriend Alan is a bit of a bore. She admits to her mom that they "make love" down by the river but hints that flaccid Alan gives her no pleasure physically. Still, Mrs. Owens would prefer that Madge bag her rich beau while she can because really time is ticking away on Madge and once her looks fade she'll have no chance to make it in life. Admittedly, I'm kind of in agreement: Madge seemingly has no personality, interests or skills. As an aside, "Picnic" was Kim Novak's first breakout role and honestly her performance is very wooden. She easily could've been replaced by a mannequin.

Back to flaccid Alan, who it turns out used to be Hobo Hal's old college roommate (that is, back when Hal was riding out a football scholarship before being chucked out of the frat house for poor grades.) Hal tells Alan his hard luck story of how he was bilked out of all his money by essentially a liquored-up & rapey Thelma and Louise in a sports car.


Don't hate him because he's beautiful; the poor man can't catch a break. Hal begs rich Alan for a job...preferably an executive position with a corner office and personal secretary. Alan gives him a job as a farm hand. We begin to see Hal Carter as a man with a small brain, a huge penis and a distorted sense of entitlement. As footnote, William Holden initially refused this role. Being 37 years old at the time he was correct in thinking that he was too old to play this character. However, Holden pours a lot of bravura into this performance and manges to pull it off. He throws in equal amounts of swagger and dim-witted earnestness, enough to make you unsure of Hal's true motivations. Is he really a scheming con man or just a handsome idiot?


So Hal's got a job now but no work today because it happens to be Labour Day and the whole town shuts down for a huge picnic. Naturally Alan is taking Madge so he invites Hal to tag along as little Millie's date (because who better to pair up with a rebellious underage girl than an over-sexed homeless man, right?)


What could possibly go wrong?

More in Part 2.